My day started with my first detox shake (really something to look forward to *eyes rolling*). I was due for my 1st coffee colema this morning, but the hotel staff took a longer time to prepare it, hence delaying my treatment.
At this point, i must say that having done one water colema the night before, the experience was still something that i'm not exactly looking forward to. I'll get to the details later.
So anyway, at 745am, a security guard turns up at my door with a gallon of coffee water. (it's basically the size of the bottles we use at the dispenser machinese, except this one now is filled with 1/3 organic coffee and 2/3 purified drinking water). Haha and guess where all this coffee is going to go? i'll never look at coffee the same way again =) The security guard probably thinks that I have an serious case of caffeine addiction.
Now before you read on, this is a disclaimer: the following content is only for the highly inquisitive, the following details may be offensive to some. I'll try to describe the whole process in the most refined way possible. I guess finding out about the colemas is the best part of the story and the part where most people were begging for details with their eyes wide open.
Ok i'm going to be honest, it's a very very awkward process and it definately one of those things that you'll have to do with only yourself (even a brazilian wax can't beat the level of embarassment). In fact, even i feel uncomfortable in the presence of myelf.
So anyway, i've been taught by Alice yesterday how to set the whole thing up. I've been given, a water stand, a green colema board (which i've nicknamed THE INCREDIBLE HULK), a long tube, a syringe, a thinner tube that resembles a hard plastic straw, a plastic sieve basket and a bottle of Olive Oil (YES OLIVE OIL!!!!!)
This is what happens, firstly the water bottle has to be set on top of the water stand, with the opening facing upwards, then i drop the long water tube (with a weight on one end) into the water bottle. THE INCREDIBLE HULK looks like a Tobogan/wakeboard, about 1.5m long and an opening on one end, to be placed above the toilet bowl. Above the opening, there is a cover that resembles a half helmet, called the Splash Guard - guess i don't have to tell you what that means). What happens is that the other end of the water tube from the water bottle, would go through a small hole in the splash guard, the thin plastic straw like thing (called the colema tube) is then attached with the water tube. To start the water flow, simply use the syringe to siphon the water from the open end of the water tube before closing the water lock. When the set up is complete, the colema tube would be proudly erect above the opening to the deep abyss of the toilet bowl below. The other end of the board would be resting on a chair, so that the final position would be horizontal to the ground.
When that is all complete, you then mount the board (yes, i did choose my words carefully), and assume a childbirth position. Your bottom half should be facing the toilet bowl with your tush positioned at the opening of the splashguard, with legs spread apart. With a little help of the olive oil, you slowly ease the colema tube that is sticking out now, into well, your asshole.
After lying down on the board and making myself comfortable with a pillow behind my head, I took a deep breath and counted 1, 2, 3 before unsnapping the water lock. Almost immediately, I can feel the surge of water slowing filling up my tummy. I can’t even begin to explain in words how uncomfortable and whole first experience is to me. It felt horrible, when the water kept flowing in and didn’t seem to come out. My whole stomach bloated and there was a nagging cramping feeling, at one point it even felt as if the water was going to come out from my mouth. I could take the pain and discomfort any longer, so I snap the water lock back to stop the water flow. Then, almost by reflex reaction, all hell broke loose, my rectum involuntarily rebelled against the tide of water and expelled all its content. This went on for a good 10 mins. It almost feels like having one good toilet session after the worst bout of constipation. When I felt like I could take more of it, I let the liquid flow again. By then my stomach was just naturally expelling the water out.
It took about 1 hr to finish the whole damn gallon of water but after that, it was jus smooth sailing. The truth is, 90% of what you excrete is just the water that is washing your colons, you don’t actually pass out solid matter, but more like diahorrhea-like waste. I was suppose to place the sieve basket in the toilet bowl to ‘catch’ the shit, honestly the thought of having to pick the sieve up and wash it later seemed a bit too gross, that’s why I didn’t bother. It was easier to just press FLUSH. But because of that, I was also unable to examine my waste specimen in greater detail.
I had to admit that when I was lying on the board, I was having second thoughts about going through the whole programme, especially when I could be digging into some nasi ayam. I kept thinking, ‘maybe I made the wrong decision – I’m in Bali, a place famous for its bountiful variety of cuisine). I got pretty depressed at first but I did come out feeling ‘clean’ and happy at satisfying my curiosity on the whole process. I don’t love doing the colemas, only because 1) it takes too damn long and I get bored (finishing all the water takes about 45mins!) and 2) it is a cumbersome process to set up and wash up. And by the end of singing with your ass for 45min, you actually feel kind of light-headed and the last thing you want to do is to clean up the mess. But I guess somebody’s gotta do the dirty job, and no one is volunteering for it but me.
The rest of the day was spent going thru the same process of drinking the psyllium shakes and multicoloured pills. I had the opportunity to get burnt at the beach and spend a few rupiahs in Jalan Legian because I managed to ta pow ‘3 meals’ with me. I have to devise a smart take-out system, otherwise I’ll be stuck in the hotel keeping to my regimented dining pattern. To everyone’s surprise here, I didn’t even feel hungry or food crazed, even though we passed by many delicious sounding cafes. Neither did I feel weak or lousy, as we managed to comb almost 3km of beach and 2km of shopping.
(the sand of Bali, taken while i was tanning my back)
(doesn't this photo look like the default pic from MSN?)
(the never-ending beaches of Bali)
(and the clear blue skies of Bali)
(and all i could have was a refreshing bottle of Aqua)
I’m almost done with my second day now, with one more colema and shake to go. My sunburn is also getting pretty serious and painful. It’s also party night tonight and I’m hitting a few bars with the girls (after their dinner which I’ve sadly dis-invited myself so that they can enjoy their food in pleasure). Well let’s hope I get though the night in one happy piece because tonight I have to go WITHOUT the alcohol.
Wish me luck! More updates on the party scene in Bali tmr!
(NOTE: this piece was written on 17 Aug (Sunday) but may have been posted later due to the inconsistent internet connection)
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